Meet Your Dream Woman With This Cow Wine Bottle Holder

Most farmers I know are Mormon and wouldn’t be caught dead with a bottle of wine, but I also know that wine can extend your life. Wine is healthy when drunk drank in moderation. A glass of wine a day is supposed to extend your life. Fortunately for me I no longer have to drink a glass a day because I was able to fill my quota of wine drinking when I was in college. I was 23 before I realized that wine was also sold in bottles. Boxes of wine are obviously a better choice for the frugal drinker, but if you want to impress your date instead of getting her drunk, then a bottle of wine is much more sophisticated.

If you just set a bottle of wine down on the center of the table, your date will immediately think you’re trying to get her drunk. Instead buy a cute cow wine holder and place it empty on the table. She will comment on how cute it is. You follow up by telling her that it’s actually a wine holder. Then you go to your refrigerator and pull out the bottle and place it on the cow. The girl will shriek in delight at the cuteness. Expect to hear giggles and “awwwww’s.” Any time you pull out alcohol and your date responds with “awwwww,” then you know your going to have an enjoyable night. The exception is if you are on a date with a 48-year-old woman who used to ride with the Hells Angels. Those women generally don’t say “awwww” unless they catch you peeing at the campground.

College girl drinking wine

Any time you pull out alcohol and your date responds with “awwwww,” then you know your going to have an enjoyable night.

Any time you pull out alcohol and your date responds with “awwwww,” then you know your going to have an enjoyable night.

So now you got your college freshman date talking positive about the bottle of wine. Follow up by telling her it’s a special low-calorie wine that is supposed to help you stay healthy and lose weight that was given to you by your mother. I don’t know if they make wine that is low-calorie, but I do know freshman girls are constantly worried about making weight for their wrestling sorority Facebook profile. Between a low-calorie refreshment and the fact it was a “gift from your mother”, your college date will be more apt to take a swig to try it out with you. One swig leads to a chug and then she’s gulping like the bums at 7-11 on Christmas Eve in Phoenix.

The reason she was willing to get intoxicated with you on a first date is because she thought the cow wine holder was ‘so cute!’

Now that she’s drunk  you simply let her talk. No kissing, no touching (maybe hold hands), and no naughty business. Your goal is to keep her talking. Feign interest in anything she wants to talk about. Eventually in her drunken state she will begin telling you some embarrassing stories about her childhood, like the time she farted on the trampoline in high school and ended up sharting down her leg in front of  her gymnastics class.

By getting her to open up the first date by divulging all of her deep-dark embarrassing secrets, you can be yourself. No need to try an impress a girl with how much you can bench press after she told you about pooping her panties when she was in high school. Now when you invite her over in the future to eat pizza and play video games she will be much more likely to. This folks, is how you can find a potential woman to marry, and it all started with a cow wine bottle holder. And is she wants some cheese with the wine, I’m sure you could dig out some string cheese from your fridge, it’s hidden behind the Pabst.

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